


A Green Sprite

by VeryFluffyFluff



Category: Homestuck, Pesterquest - Fandom
Genre: Eating Disorders, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, References to Depression, Trans Characters, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:33:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22337092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeryFluffyFluff/pseuds/VeryFluffyFluff
Summary: Your own memories of him feel tinted, too. Like that shade of green that you two had become had dyed all the memories, and no matter how many times you washed them, it wouldn’t come off.
Relationships: Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor
Comments: 5
Kudos: 87





	A Green Sprite

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't take this too seriously.

You have many memories you don’t like to think about. They almost hurt sometimes, so you tend to avoid them. Some are from Alternia, some from the game, and some from him.

The memories from him hurt the most. Your own memories of him feel tinted, too. Like the shade of green, that you two had become, had dyed all the memories, and no matter how many times you washed them, it wouldn’t come off.

You know why you were stable. The hatred had seeped into every action and moment and thought. Both of you hated yourselves and hated each other, and that hatred had bubbled and bubbled and turned green. But like boiling water, after the bubbling came the steam. The hatred steamed off and left, but nothing took its place. The other sprites say that they feel a physical emptiness. A longing for the other half of themselves. You don’t feel a longing. The feeling instead is like another type of depression. It’s like when you lay in bed, unable to get the motivation to do anything; the gripping feeling of being worthless, but dyed in green.

You look at him, and see green instead of purple. You see your horns on one side of your head, but then you blink and they’re gone. You feel rings on your hands, despite knowing they aren’t there. You are used to hearing voices, noises that aren’t there, but nothing on this scale. You have never had to sort through your memories and try to recognize which ones are yours and which ones are his. But the memories aren’t the worst part. They are horrible, but the feelings that go along with them are worse.

You spent one night curled up on your side, hugging your knees to your chest and crying. You felt shame and self-hatred for something you had accepted about yourself long ago. You tried to picture the good memories of your lusus calling you by your new name for the first time, but the desired happiness never came. The jealousy from the long gone piece of you, from when he was a part of you, took that over. You just felt shame and jealousy and tears on your cheeks. You pulled a blanket around your body so it would feel like a cape. The memories of the seahorse saying that name you wanted to forget; the name the other half of you wanted to never hear again. The seahorse didn’t think you were a boy even though you were. It hurt and it hurt and you cried and you cried.

You woke up in the morning, finally fully realizing that they weren’t your memories and emotions. You had tried to tell yourself that while crying, but remembering was too powerful sometimes. It was hard and it wouldn’t stop.

It was hard and nobody understood.

You look at him and wonder if he does it too. Did he grab his head and feel the headaches and psionic power that wasn’t there? Did he feel the guilt of what you did to AA? Did he learn from you what it feels like to have your lusus accept you?

You hope he did. The other sprites described what living without the happy memories of their other half in their head. They said that they wanted the happiness back. You weren’t experiencing that because he was hardly happy. He wasn’t miserable the whole time, but he wasn’t happy.

He was both self-aware and not, at the same time. He knew what he was doing to himself and his relationships. But did he really? He knew he was mean and a bad person, but he didn’t know how to stop. He was hurt, so he wanted to hurt others. He knew this, but never did anything to stop it. He let himself destroy himself and all his hope for happiness. He was lonely, but he drove everyone away.

You look at him and you want to help him. You want to help him so he can smile, so you can feel the happiness you were supposed to get from him. You feel like you were robbed because he took your happy memories and left you with his unhappy ones.

You already had your own problems with your pan. You didn’t need to struggle to see others as real. You didn’t need to look at yourself and see something disgusting. You didn't need to want to throw up everything you had eaten and tear out your non-existent gills. You didn’t need to know that there was no point in changing your horrible personality because no one would ever love you no matter what you did. 

He didn’t need that either. You wish you could’ve taken it from him from when your sprite split. You wish you were the only one lying in bed crying, wishing someone, anyone, cared about you. You wished you could have taken all the traces of ugly purple away and left him with just the green.

The green that makes it hard to look at your friend because you know you killed them or they hate you for killing someone they cared about. You look at FF or Fef or whoever she is now and feel thousands of green memories tear apart your heart. You look at KK or Kar and the pact comes to mind, but the joy it used to give him drips green. He loved them, and so did you, but now it just hurts. It hurts like a green blade, chopping you in two.

You made eye contact with him and almost threw up. You felt pity, green dyed pity. You wanted to help him, and make him happier. You could help him. You know you could. You know why he does it now; how he thinks. He leaves the room, and you follow him. You find him throwing up. It turns out that you could stop yourself from throwing up, but he couldn’t. He immediately pretends it didn’t happen, and goes back to acting like nothing could ever hurt him.

You know that’s not true. You’ve lied awake at night thinking about who you had to kill.The grubs who’s lusus got within range of his gun. The trolls who tried to get revenge for him having killed their lusus. All the trolls who died in the nightmares where he didn’t feed FF or Fef’s lusus. The bodies of the lusii he had to drag and leave in the water near FF or Fef’s hive. The floating bodies looked like the Angels from his land. They circled and whispered and reminded him of everyone he had killed. Then he shot them again and the guilt got worse.

You know he is hurt, so you reach out to grab his arm. It smells like vomit in the room, and you feel pity echoing through your body. You want to help him. You want to teach him to be a better person. You want him to be happy. You want his unhappiness to stop tinting your life in that green.


End file.
